the biggest thing i have realized

i have never known "happiness".

if i was on my deathbed today, this i know for sure:

i can't remember a time when i just forgot about everything and just be godforsaken,
truly myself.
godforsaken alive.
godforsaken carefree.
or even just content.

i have never been happy.
right now, I am not.
i don't think i ever will be.